All of you know how Matt and I have struggled with infertility for many years. As a teenager I was diagnosed with PCOS and always knew getting pregnant would be difficult. In my mind, "difficult" meant trying for a few more years and it would eventually happen. Well, we are at 8 years of trying now and at around year 6 or 7 I finally came to the realization that this might not ever happen for us...That's where my journey really began.
When Matt and I realized we had used up all the infertility treatments that our insurance allowed we had to have a discussion. What now?? I cried. I didn't know what now. I am a little bit of a control freak and there I was with NO CONTROL over my own body. I felt like a failure. As a woman and as a wife. At first I thought it might be a punishment. Barrenness is a curse in the Bible, what was I being punished for?? Then I thought maybe I don't have enough faith. After all, with the faith of a mustard seed the Lord can move mountains-So I served and participated in as many church activities as possible. I was also reading my Bible and learning from other barren women. Sarah had to wait and I wasn't all that interested in waiting any more... Hannah prayed earnestly and I had done that already...What else did God want from me??? I finally realized that God wasn't interested in an exchange and this was not a punishment. He chose this path so that He can receive glory through it, and I was definitely not glorifying Him in the journey thus far.
At this point I really tried to listen to what God was trying to teach me in all of this. I still had difficult moments. We discussed adoption and although I knew I could love an adopted child as my own, I struggled. I had to go through a mourning process. You see, when God created man he created him in His own image. God had placed that desire in me as well. I wanted to have children in my image. But my God is such a gentle father. He knew I needed to go through this period of mourning. Ecclesiastes 3:1-4
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens...a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance"
Then God gave me this song by John Waller:
One morning after praying that the Lord would give me a promise I could hang on to I opened my Bible to my daily reading. I was reading from Galatians 4 that morning when I came across this verse:
"But when the fullness of the time had come, God sent forth His son, born of a women, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption as sons."
I was amazed. I had been waiting to hear from the Lord for so long. Was this finally it? Was God telling me he planned for us to adopt? After all, we are His adopted children. I was in disbelief and prayed "Lord, if this is your will please confirm it in my heart today." and I kept reading.
Even just typing this now brings me to tears. I cannot believe anyone could deny there is a God when I know he spoke so clearly to me that morning. I continued reading and when I got to verse 27 I cried harder than any tear I had ever shed through the entire infertility process.
"Rejoice, O barren, you who do not bear! Break forth and shout, you who are not in labor! For the desolate has many more children than she who has a husband."
This came from Isaiah 54. I turned there and read the whole chapter. I could not stop from crying. Verse after verse spoke directly to me.
"For a mere moment I have forsaken you, but with great mercies I will gather you. With a little wrath I hid my face from you for a moment, But with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you."
"For the mountains shall be depart and the hills be removed, but my kindness shall not depart from you, nor shall my covenant of peace be removed."
I had my confirmation. I woke up Matt crying and explained how God had spoken to me. I have had peace about adoption since that day.
Monday Cannon's social worker came and we discussed the timeline for adoption. He asked the history of how we got Cannon and I explained the process and how 4 months after having our home study approved we received Cannon. He was in awe and said people wait YEARS before receiving this kind of placement. A healthy infant without siblings going for adoption. Not only that but infants usually go to stay at home moms and I was working full time when we received the call. I know it was no coincidence but the hand of my Father in Heaven who ordained this baby to be with us.
Our baby is such a precious gift. Whenever someone asks about him I now have the blessed opportunity to share God's glory with them and how He also loves us as adopted sons.
On November 8th we have a hearing for Cannon's birth mom. Please pray that God will be in the midst of the courtroom and we can move forward with adoption smoothly. Also pray for her, that she might be healed and come to know the Lord. Thank you all for your never ending support on this journey!